Friday, January 15, 2010

Asstrology: Astrology for asses

Does astrology irritate or baffle you? Do you really know what your sign means? Do you have trouble understanding your friends, family and people you meet?
If so, then you need asstrology, astrology made down-to-earth, practical, and totally ass-tute.
trology explains what the planets are doing to your ass, taking astrological terms and translating them into useful explanations that apply to everyday life.

So...what kind of ass are you? Your ass is composed of three basic building blocks: your sun sign, your moon sign, and your ascendant, or rising, sign. To translate, we're talking about your personal inclinations; your inner motivations, and your outward appearance. In addition, where the planets are alligned in your horrorscope impact many of your habits, likes, dislikes, and life direction. Understanding how these kick your ass is a crucial piece in understanding your ass.

Here are ways different asses correlate to certain planets.

So what do these plants mean to your ass?

If Venus is in your horoscope then you could be a....
  • Dead Ass: Boring, lifeless and unmotivated. Nice place to visit, wouldn't want to live there.
  • Fat Ass: Lazy, comfortable and stagnant. Good for the winter, and saving money on a gym membership.
  • Lame Ass: Disappointing, half-hearted and weak. Full of good intentions you will never follow through on.
  • Busted Ass: Your romantic dreams take you you off course from reality. You're a fool, caught red-handed trying to steal from the cookie jar.
  • Cheap Ass: Stingy, unloving, with tunnel vision to the unenlightened world. A great date for a cheap ass is the Cracker Barrel.
  • Smart Ass: Obnoxious, snarky, know-it-all and headed for a fall off your high horse. There one of these in every crowd.
  • Dumb Ass: Naive, innocent, stubborn, and lacking in the wisdom, foresight, and ability to anticipate the bad things heading your way. Equus africanus asinus commonus - the most common ass.
  • Jackass: Contradictory and difficult, in a recklessly annoying way. People like you, but not that much.
  • Punk Ass: Wild, uninhibited, independent, unique, rebellious, and convinced you've figured out the world.
  • Hard Ass: Stern, rigid, dogmatic, and critical of every nice thing that anyone has ever done for you.
  • Bad Ass: Commanding, powerful, dark, transformative, and completely unavailable to help your best friend move
  • Kick Ass: Fulfilled, actualized, capable of walking the walk and talking the talk on all 7 continents. Superior with complete and utter justification. The perfect ass.

Sample personalities

Example One: Jenna Goodman.

Jenna's sun is in dumb ass and kick ass, because in her day-to-day encounters with life, she manages to get a lot done, despite an overwhelming ignorance and failure to deal.
Inside, her moon is in punk ass, meaning she impulsively acts out her personal, spontaneous whims, frequently to the detriment of others.
But to the outside world, Jenna's rising sign is in bad ass: she comes across as aloof, decisive and a-moral.

In other words, most people think Jenna is abrasive and black-and-white, but really, she only simplifies herself to others in order to avoid dealing with them, which furthers her dumbass-ness. At heart, however, she's a funky punk who reveals her imagination (to those she deems worthy.)

Example Two: Abby Cagney.

When you meet Abby, she puts up a veneer of lightness and niceness, cracking jokes and complimenting others, which makes her a tossup between a rising dumb ass and smart ass. Abby's sun is fat ass, because she likes to be cozy, comfortable and, once settled, is not easily moved. But she's on the cusp with busted ass, because she lets her day-dreams veer her off task. Her moon, though, is in punk ass, because once you get to know her, she's recalcitrant, opinionated and independent, not afraid to go it alone if her principles are at stake.

We hope this introduction gave you a good idea of what kind of ass you are.

Stay tuned for future posts on how the planets play your ass, how your type of ass helps and hurts you, what other assesyou are compatible or not compatible with. The overall goal is to help you figure out how you can get your ass moving and working for you.